True or false: You have, at some point in the last week, performed happiness for an audience of one — a spouse, a parent, a cashier, a pet. You have smiled the smile that costs calories. You have said “fine” when fine was a lie so large it had its own gravitational field.
Now: does performing happiness make the happiness less real? Or does it make the performance the only real thing? David Foster Wallace somewhere (not here, not in this fictional octet, but somewhere) wrote that the really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline. But he also wrote about a woman who couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she was thinking. Which is this sentence’s trap door: you are now thinking about thinking about performing happiness. The octet applauds. The applause is lonely. octet david foster wallace pdf
Consider the octet: eight people in a room. A support group for people who have been asked to review a manuscript of a support-group story. The story within the story is about a support group for people who can’t stop imagining the inner lives of strangers. The leader of that group, let’s call her Beth, says: “You’re on a bus. The woman across the aisle is crying. You don’t know why. But you construct a tragedy for her — dead child, fired, cancer — and you feel a small, clean grief. That grief is not compassion. It is a way of not having to look at her face.” True or false: You have, at some point
Note: "Octet" is a short story from David Foster Wallace’s 1999 collection Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. No PDF of the story itself is legally available for free, as it remains under copyright. The following is an original piece written in the spirit of Wallace’s style and thematic concerns from that period — focusing on metafiction, pop quiz anxiety, recursive self-examination, and the desperate, lonely chore of being conscious. Pop Quiz Question 1. You are reading this. Which is to say: you are alone, probably, or pretending to be, slouched in some posture that will make your lower back complain later. The light in the room is wrong — either too blue from a screen or too yellow from a bulb you’ve been meaning to replace for six months. Your pulse is doing something quiet in your neck. There is a sound somewhere (furnace? fridge? tinnitus?) that you only notice when the sentence reminds you. Now: how long has it been since you last felt real? Not happy — real. Like the inside of your head matched the outside of the world. Like you weren’t narrating your own life to an imaginary jury. Now: does performing happiness make the happiness less real
You look away. You check your phone. There is a notification from an app designed to make you feel connected by reminding you that other people have eaten lunch. You scroll. You close the app. You come back here, because the alternative is sitting with the fact that you came here looking for a PDF of a story about loneliness, which is a little like reading a menu when you’re not hungry — an act of preparation for a feeling you already have.
Fill in the blank: The hardest thing to say to another person is not “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or even “You were right.” The hardest thing is ____________.