Morning, shaggers! I’ve just been for a dip in the North Sea. Absolutely Baltic. Me bits have retreated so far inside me, I think I’ve become a woman. Anyway, recap: Marnie got her lad out, Sophie cried in a bin, and I definitely snogged someone’s dad.
RIGHT. WHO PUT A FIREWORK IN MY BEDROOM TOILET?
(Finally standing up, wobbling) THAT’S THE SPIRIT! GEORDIE SHORE, BABY! WE DON’T DO HANGOVERS. WE DO TOP-UPS.
(Voice like gravel) Why does me fanny taste like last night’s tequila? And why am I wearin’ a single sock and a traffic warden’s hat? Geordie Shore
Two hours later, they are all banned from a karaoke bar called “The Crooning Cod.”
The Garden.
storms in, looking like a pumped-up pitbull in a spray-on T-shirt. He is furious. Morning, shaggers
wakes up in the hot tub, vomits quietly into a plant pot, and gives a thumbs up.
THE SCENE OPENS. The living room looks like a bomb hit a fancy dress shop and a kebab shop at the same time. A single, sad high heel lies on its side. A traffic cone is inexplicably on the coffee table. Confetti is stuck to everything.
Suddenly, the front door SLAMS open.
CHLOE (21), mascara smeared down her face like she’s auditioning for a horror film, rolls off the sofa. She lands on a half-inflated inflatable dolphin.
Welcome to the club, pet. Now get a brew down yer and tell us who you’re gonna chin today.
James picks up the traffic cone and hurls it across the room. It knocks over a lamp. Me bits have retreated so far inside me,
A low, guttural GROAN.
A framed photo of the lads. It has a slice of pizza crust balanced on the corner.
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