"I'm a sexy vampire," Luke replied. "Duh."

And in the Pritchett-Delgado kitchen, Manny wrote a new poem: Ode to a Waitress with a Mustache. Jay ate cold steak from the fridge. Gloria danced alone to a Spanish love song, smiling.

Through the door, Manny's voice was muffled but dramatic. "I can't go, Gloria. Zoe from Spanish class gave me a candy heart that said 'FRIEND.' The rejection is crippling."

Gloria, resplendent in a red dress that seemed to defy physics, was trying to coax Manny out of his room. "Manny, mi amor , it is Valentine's Day. You cannot break a woman's heart by not showing up."

"Phil," she wheezed. "This is our worst Valentine's Day ever."